I think I’ll see about officially changing this to Where In The World Is Donna? What do you think?

There are about three people who’ve noticed that I haven’t blogged in over a week. This post is for you. It’s just to let you know that I’m TRYING to find Donna too.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last several months trying to figure out what’s been wrong with me. I mean, I love to write! I love to cook! I love being creative! And yet for months now, my “loves” have been missing in action. My mojo has disappeared. And that makes me sad.

Monkey feels my sadness. She wants to find happy Donna too.

All my adult life, I’ve pretty much been on my own. I’ve never fancied whining. Nobody wants to listen to my crap, so I’ve pretty much internalized my issues, tried to forge through, find the light at the end of the tunnel (and possibly the humor in the situation) and push through till the end. All of this while trying to maintain my sense of self, my dignity, my self-respect, my empathy and my sense of humor. That’s a load! But it’s how I roll. And it’s worked quite well for me over the years.

These last several months have really pushed that envelope. I’ve mentioned how there was a major shift in the company I work for. . .my new General Manager? Yeah, well, it has been a “challenge”. (While he’s not a BAD man, we just have very different management styles)

This is what Monkey thinks of his management style.

I have fought like a crazy woman for my department and everybody that works for me for months. And I need ya’ll to know how much I despise fighting, arguing, hissy fits, you get my drift. I typically won’t do it. Period. At least, not for me. But this was for my employees. They’re akin to my family. If I don’t stand up for them, then who will?

Well, what a struggle it’s been! And while I pretty much won the battle in the end, the battle scars are wicked. It’s like my spirit has been scarred. However, I’ve learned one thing from all this that I didn’t realize. . . and that’s if I AM fighting, it means I still have some semblance of spirit left. When I stop standing up for myself or my employees, then that means my passion is GONE. Call the dudes in the white coats and reserve me a padded room.

That’s what’s been happening. Even though I won, my heart and my passion are battered and bruised and I’m trying to give them time to heal. And hopefully, they’ll come back just as strong as ever. I don’t like coming home from work feeling completely lifeless, hopeless and drained. I want my spirit back. I can’t allow “a job” to take my spirit dammit!

My choices now are: (1) Do I stay and continue to protect my department from the narrow minded, short-sighted, arrogant bully? or (2) Do I cut my losses and run?

I know. Blah blah blah! We ALL have problems and I should be happy to HAVE a job. I know. But I’ve GOT to find a balance somehow. I’ve got to find Donna and get her back! Now that I’ve sufficiently figured out the whats and the whys, I’ve got to now either shit or get off the pot. Cuz I miss coming home happy and looking forward to what I could do next. I miss cooking and deep down, I know my cookbooks miss me too! (I hear them whimpering from time to time from loneliness) And I miss writing! I miss blogging! I miss my heart! I miss my friends!

I promise I’ll get it together soon. One way or another. I can’t live like this. I won’t live like this. Something will have to change. Stick with me, okay?

Monkey say’s “Please!” Yeah, I’m using that sweet face to tug at your heartstrings. I’m not too proud. How can you say no to that face?