» Exercise Is Evil Yellow Jeep Blonde: What do you do AFTER the kids grow up? I COOK!

As I was enjoying a leisurely blogwalk yesterday, I stumbled across a site called Twenty Four At Heart, read a few of her posts and immediately felt right at home. And if you’re interested, she’s having a Contest this week too! Go check it out! Today, she posted about exercise and it reminded me so much of my experience. So I tell my story in honor of my newest addition to my blogroll.

My dear sweet older son, had been joking me for awhile about how out of shape I am. I’d been pleading the fact that I’m 47 years old and have a right to sit on the couch for 6 straight hours every night. But after turning it into a challenge telling me that I was just “not capable” (THAT did it), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I’d show HIM that I COULD do it. . . . I just would rather not. I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Sonja, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My boy was excited with my enthusiasm to get started! (Right!) The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so I thought I’d share it with you . . . now that it is OVER.

MONDAY : Started my day at 6:00 a.m. It was tough to get out of bed (I’m NOT a morning person), but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the gym to find Sonja waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blonde hair, blue eyes and a dazzling white smile. WooHoo!! Sonja gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Sonja was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY : I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door this morning. Sonja made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. . . then she put weights on it! The nerve. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Sonja’s rewarding encouragement made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY : The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Sonja was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other gym members. Her voice is a little too perky that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Sonja put me on the stair ‘monster’. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Sonja told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other words too.

THURSDAY : Sonja was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late. It took me that long to tie my shoes. Sonja took me to work out with the dumbbells. When she wasn’t looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny instructor to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY : I hate that Sonja more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Sonja wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Sonja left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine. However, I lacked the strength to even lift the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY : I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that my son will now leave me the Hell alone. Screw a bunch of exercise. It’s all over-rated. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Disclaimer: This wasn’t really my story, but it made me laugh so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I actually stole it from Sleepless in Seattle awhile back and sort of customized it to make it sound more believable. . .like me. However, there ARE several facts in this story that are indeed very real. . . (1) I HATE exercise, (2) My son DOES give me a hard time about my skinny calves and flabby triceps, and (3) I am NOT a morning person. . . especially to get up and do exercise. I think not! My pillow is much more appealing. So if you ever hear me speak of exercising EVER, you’ll know I’m just telling you all a big fat story.