I’ve received this a few times from friends who know how much I love to make chili.  They knew that I would enjoy this.  It is truly hysterical.  Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!  You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because if your like me, you will be howling out loud.

CHILI COOK OFF

Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from the East Coast:  “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili Cook Off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking directions to the nearest beer wagon when they asked.  I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the testing.  So I accepted.”

Chili #1 - Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge One: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy crap! What the hell is this stuff?  This stuff could remove dried paint off the driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope this is the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 - Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge One: Smokey, with a hint of pork. slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich Maneuver. They had to rush more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 - Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick, needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I’ve been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. 

Chili #4 - Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of limes in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb bitch is strting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 - Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit, Cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and about four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw those rednecks!

Chili #6 - Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore and I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 - Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing as it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 - Lester’s Last of the Red Hot Lovers Chili
Judge One: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank. Wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

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While I can handle the heat. . . in my food, however, I found THIS experience very similar to how Frank handled the Chili Cook Off. . .  just a wee little bit out of his element.

Yep - that would be yours truly there in the center being CRUSHED by the 225lb man in front of me. . . and I can barely swim.  Bless my soul.  I survived. . . Just like Frank.

I guess you all figured out that we were NOT supposed to hit that rock.  Funny - they call that Pillow Rock.  It didn’t feel so “pillowy” to me.  If you want to give this a shot, by all means call these folks.  Aside being totally terrified, it was truly good fun.  Plus they give you beer at the end.